VOICE OF Ng.Uyên ̣(Wyndi) Nicole W.N. DUONG (NHU-NGUYEN) tieng noi duong nhu-nguyen: December 2023

“Capturing an Angle,” digital photograph, inversion & infusion ©nnd 20xx

VOI QUE SAPETE: A Woman Lawyer's Suicide

In memory of Carolyn E.

Thanks to Jeannie C. of WCP, who introduced me to VQS,

a moment and lifetime of beauty

NOTE: For U.S. women of color of the early 1980s, the pressure of full-time work, law school at night, family, husband and children, and then the intense practice of law, clients, bank loans, court procedures, judges, rules, cases, etc. all could be overwhelming. For whatever reason, there were those among us who gave up.

~~~***~~~

This day I heard a friend had died Vietnamese text

She took her own life, and I don't know why Hôm nay tôi được tin người bạn đã chết

She was beautiful, a woman lawyer tự kết liễu cuộc đời, không biết lý do

fresh out of law school, a daughter, a wife, a mother Người phụ nữ trẻ đẹp, là luật sư

I still remember... vừa tốt nghiệp, làm con gái, làm mẹ, làm vợ,

Tôi vẫn nhớ...

An angelic smile, sweet disposition Nụ cười thiên thần, tì̉nh tình hiền dịu

A gaze so soft, no morbid reflection Tia nhìn mềm mại, không hề chết chóc

Before law school, she was a secretary Trước khi học luật, cô ấy làm nghề thư ký

Working in some law office, aspiring to be cho văn phòng luật sư, mang ý hướng vươn

more for the future, putting up with dotting I’s and crossing T’s lên cho tương lai, chịu đựng chi li, chấm chữ “i” và gạch chữ “t”

She once borrowed my dress for a party, Có lần cô ấy mượng áo tôi để đi dạ hội

We then sat for the bar, joked to study Cả hai học chung, đùa chút xíu gọi là thư giãn

It was like yesterday we still shared class notes Mới hôm qua, còn chung ghi chép bài

and at commencement, in black robes we walked rồi lễ ra trường, mặc áo đen, chúng tôi cùng bước

I left, to get more than just more Tôi bỏ ̣đi, để có nhiều hơn

She stayed, contented with less to be just less Bạn ở lại, vui mà nhận chịu ít

Motherhood, marriage nào là hôn nhân, làm mẹ.

Children, solo practice con cái, mở văn phòng solo

full enough, too full for one woman to take đầy ắp, quá đầy cho một phụ nữ ôm đồm hết

And then I heard Và rồi tôi nghe tin

the news: Why, why, why Tại sao, tại sao, tại sao???

Mystery Bí mật

the other side of tragedy Mặt trái cuà thảm kịch

I thought she was like me, both struggled, fought, and tried Tôi cứ tưởng cô ấy cũng như tôi

Not the type who would curl and cry Cà hai chúng tôi đều phải phấn đấu, đánh trận, và

Why the drastic step, then...I won't know why... gắng sức, vậy thì tại sao cô ấy cất bước định

mệnh, tôi sẽ chẳng bao giờ biết

We once shared the same hopes Đã có lúc cả hai ta cùng chung mộng ước

On separate roads, brief encounter Hai nẻo đường đi, gặp nhau ngắn ngủi

Life was ahead of us then, why not now? Đời trước mặt mình lúc đó, tại sao không còn?

Moss sealed her lips, time will wrinkle mine Rong rêu phủ môi bạn, thời gian héo uá môi tôi

Am I tied here, while she's free? Tôi như bị trói ở đây, bạn đã phủi tay chấm dứt

Has life failed her, still tested me? Đời sống đã phản cô ấy, đời tôi vẫn chưa ngã ngũ

Her fate is settled, mine not known Số cô đã định, số tôi chưa hay?

Alone she departed, I hold on Cô đi một mình, tôi nán lại...

Last Christmas I sent her a note Giáng sinh năm ngoái, tôi còn viết cánh thiệp cho cô

bragging about my career, I wished her good luck khoe đường nghề nghiệp, tôi chúc cô may mắn

I did not hear from her, and the next thing I knew Rồi tôi không nghe tin, và sau đó,

into darkness she withdrew mới hay cô ấy bay vào bóng tối

***

She has quit and I move on Cô đã bỏ cuộc và tôi tiếp tục

She joined the stars above, I the little lamp on earth Cô nhập vào sao, tôi giữ bóng đèn trên mặt đất

For her I draw a breath of sorrow Dành cho bạn, tôi hít hơi thở buồn

Her last, where did it go? Hơi thở cuối cuả cô, bay vào nơi đâu?

Like her, I bear my cross, but won’t let go Cũng như cô, tôi mang thánh giá, nhưng tôi sẽ không bỏ cuộc

My life here lacks momentum Ở đây, đời sống tôi không có nhịp

A routine I detest Nếp bình thường ̣đáng ghét

Adoration from someone I don't need Có người tôn sùng tôi cũng chẳng cần

Unexpected tears I did not know I had Nước mắt bất chợt, tôi cũng chẳng hay

Is this the life, billables after billables, I wish not to lead? Trong đời sống này, giờ làm việc lối luật sư, tôi nào có ham?

Yet, billables as maybe, the pride to accomplish Nhưng, công thức làm việc ấy, là

This career’s swallowing my heart niềm hãnh diện

This City’s tearing me apart Công danh này đang nuốt chửng tim tôi

Thành phố này, đang xé nghiến tôi

Life suffocates me (has it betrayed her?) Đời sống này, cũng làm tôi ngộp thở (nó đã phản

bạn sao?)

My hemisphere here stretches from the West End D.C. apartment to the cold, modern near-Westin office Nửa bán cầu cuả tôi căng dài từ West End Hoa Thịnh Đốn căn hộ qua đến

On this day came the news of her death văn phòng gần khách sạn Westin

I had just learned a song: Ngày nay tôi được tin bạn tôi đã chết, tôi vừa mới học xong bài hát

"VOI QUE SAPETE Che Cosa E Amor THẤY VÀ BIẾT, Ý NGHIÃ CUẢ TÌNH YÊU

YOU HAVE THE ANSWER, YOU HAVE THE KEY..." BẠN NẮM TRONG TAY CÂU

The day began, TRẢ LỜI, CÓ TRONG TAY

I leaned over my window, looking out at those red brick walls CHÌA KHOÁ

Rows of Victorian brownstones Tôi nghiêng người qua cửa sổ, ngắm nhìn những mản tường

roofs and maple trees gạch đỏ, những dãy nhà thành phố kiểu Victorian

(hoping to find Amadeus) (mong sao tôi tìm gặp được Amadeus )

“VOI QUE SAPETE Che Cosa E Amor” THẤY VÀ BIẾT Ý NGHĨA TÌNH YÊU

WHERE IS THE ANSWER? ĐÂU LÀ CÂU TRẢ LỜI,

WHERE IS THE KEY? ĐÂU LÀ CHÌA KHOÁ?

In silence I mourned for her: Trong yên lặng tôi khóc bạn

A woman's dilemma? Mối tơ vò cuà một phụ nữ

Imprisoned creativity? Sáng tạo bị cẩ̀m tù

Entangled love? Tình yêu rối rắm

Faltered hopes? Hy vọng sụp đổ

???

Broken dreams? Mộng vỡ

Illusioned marriage? Hôn nhân ảo ảnh

Disappointment in children? Con cái là thất vọng

Anger at men? Oán giận đàn ông

The whirling rat race of a pretentious profession Cuộc thi chạy cuà loài chuột trong

Uncollectible accounts nghề nghiệp đầy giả dối

Banks and bouts Ngân hàng, ngân ngố

Hateful clients Thân chủ đáng ghét

Mean, mean opponents Đổi thủ ác hèn

Love and Hate Aí, ố

The price of being self-made Giá phải trả vì thân tự lập thân

The endless road of unjustified self-doubt Đường đi không dứt vì tư nghi ngờ

The loss of whereabouts Sự mất mát của chỗ và lối

Falsity of virtues Đức hạnh giả tạo

Misgivings of paid dues Nợ nần sai bậy lôi thôi

Is that what you found out at the moment of truth? Đó có phải là những gì Bạn tôi đã thấy trong giây phút cuối cuà sự thật?

We did not talk Chúng tôi không nói chuyện

I never know Tôi sẽ chẳng bao giờ hay biết

But tomorrow, Nhưng ngày mai

after the news of her death, sau tin sét đánh

a new day will begin, and I ngày mới lại bắt đầu, và tôi

(never knowing why) (vẫn mãi mãi không bao giờ biết)

will continue strolling this City's tree-lined streets, sẽ tiếp tục đi dạo trên những con đường

Washington D.C. Northwest, thành phố ngợp bóng cây hai bên, Hoa Thịnh Đốn thủ đô Tây Bắc

denying myself ordinary people's joy, I will wear a philosopher's hat tôi sẽ từ chối mình niềm vui cuả kẻ bình thường

To think of her, Để nghĩ về bạn

the mystery that’s so unfair, Niềm bí mật quá đỗi bất công

the tragedy that spells beware, thảm kịch kêu gọi niềm chú ý

I will stop to breathe in the air, tôi sẽ đứng lại để hít không khí vào lồng ngực

pretending I could hear Amadeus cố phì̉nh phờ mình đã nghe Amadeus

on tops of those red brick walls, trên nóc những mái tường gạch đỏ

Victorian roofs and maple trees kiểu nữ hoàng Victoria và lá mật cuả rừng phong

To the woman lawyer who took her life, three years after graduation, I'll ask

"Where’s the answer?" Hướng về người nữ luật sư đã kết liễu cuộc đời, ba năm

"Where’s the key?" sau khi tốt nghiệp:

Where’s the place for Us ĐÂU LÀ CÂU TRẢ LỜI

ĐÂU LÀ CHIÀ KHOÁ

You? ĐÂU LÀ CHỖ CUÀ CHÚNG TA

And Me? BẠN

I have travelled so far to be free VÀ TÔI

T̀ÔI ĐÃ DU HÀNH RẤT DÀI ĐỂ ĐƯỢC TỰ DO

You have laid down, BẠN ĐÃ ĐẶT MÌNH NẰM XUỐNG

chosen to be out, CHỌN BỎ CUỘC

too quick, too close, also to be free? QUÁ SỚM, QUÁ GẦN, CŨNG ĐỂ TỰ DO Ư?

Where’s the answer, to be or not to be??? CÂU TRÀ LỜI NẰM Ở ĐÂU,

HIÊN HỮU HAY LÀ KHÔNG HIỆN HỮU???

On this day
7 years ago ORIGINALLY POSTED ON FACEBOOK

UPDATE: People in Vietnam cannot confirm whether OrWell and Mill were taught in Vietnam, or allowed to be read. They did not respond to my inquiry.

Wendynicolenn Duong
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FROM SOCRATES TO...THE PIG -- PHILOSOPHY 101!
Today, [for the first time] I sent a "friend" click to [what appears to be] a young man who lives in Hanoi, because of what he put in the intro to himself:
"It is better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a pig satisfied" (John Stuart Mill)
I hope he will be reading this and that he is fluent in English, because I can only type in English:
1) The saying is attributed to Stuart Mill. You know what Mill is about: America's capitalism rests on Mill's utilitarianism (Gosh, I have mentioned many "ism's"...SORRY!). Let me go on:
2) "The pig" happens to be a very important character in George Orwell's famous "Animal Farm." When accompanying my law student to Hanoi for a vacationing trip, I saw a copy of it on sale by the peddler lady sitting near the "Hanoi Hilton"
I'd like to ask Co Do Hoang Dieu, a Vietnamese writer and FB friend, whether Mill or Orwell were/are taught in Vietnam today. My guess is No.
3) BTW, the "Socratic Method" (raising questions a la Socratic-Plato style) is the pedagogical base for law teaching in the U.S., something i have adhered to faithfully despite students' grieving during my 10+years of teaching. During my Fulbright lectureship, I tried to explain this concept to students in Hanoi: it's not about memorizing; it's about thinking and asking questions.
The method starts with Socrates' famous saying: "Je ne sais qu'une chose, c'est que je ne sais rien. I only know one thing, and that is I know nothing" (therefore, i must constantly ask). (We need the original in Greek!). Confucius has a similar saying: "To know what you know and to know what you don't know, that's wisdom." (Pls, all FB Viet friends, give me the saying in Vietnamese: something like TRI (know) repeated many times. it's a straight phonetic reading from Chinese text.) I circulated both sayings (together with many others) to law students in Denver and i got a lot of frowns from students who cared very little about philosophy.
I suppose when Socrates and Mill both meet Orwell and his pigs in a Vietnamese classroom, conversing in Greek, French, English, Spanish, Italian, Vietnamese, you name it (and not just Chinese or Russian), then the country will have its New Wave of true open door policy: "Doi Moi" of the "Doi Moi" (re-renovating the Renovation!).
ARTWORK: Man and the Alphabet, UND C2016 enamel on grained paper. Here is the portrait of the lawyer-philosopher who thinks too much his head and face have turned gray, and letters of the Roman alphabet are dancing all over around him, a la "L'Art Brut" chaotic style! Note that his hair is ld (meaning he was trained in the British Common-Law style, hence wearing a blond wig!)

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AuthorWendynicolenn Duong

My intellectual lawyer model is "hump-ing" his back from the cargo and burden of life (look at all those dancing letters!), making himself into the hunchback of Notre Dame (without his endearing Esmeralda). Thank you for once existing, Victor Hugo!

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